How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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