My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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