She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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