I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
