just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
