the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
