I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
