Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
