Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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