I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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