Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
