Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
