thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
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