I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
