FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
