Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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