i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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