My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
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