things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
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Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
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She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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