I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
We are two peas in an std pod
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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