dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
