i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
