Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
