Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
In other news, I just burned my penis
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
