During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Girls should come with a carfax report
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
