i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Still dying that you shit outside
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
