Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just gift wrapped bread.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
