I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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