If that was your dad, he is hot
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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