The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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