i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
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my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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