you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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