I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
