We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
