totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Dick very happy bro
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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