No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Randomize
