Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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