Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
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