I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
