8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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