sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
