A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
