in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
BRING THE BAGELS
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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