I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
