Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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