I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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