Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I could make wine with my vomit
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
