Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
