I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
