how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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