Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
