You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
