You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
