I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize