dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
