Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
